


Rituals

by the_diversionist



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Kalex, Kryptonian Horror Story, Red Kryptonite, Red Kryptonite Kara Danvers, supercat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-11 12:40:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11148624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_diversionist/pseuds/the_diversionist
Summary: Kara unknowingly battles red kryptonite and begins to weave a path of destruction.





	1. Chapter 1

A/N: More characters will be added as we move along. Do not @ me about end games. This isn't an end game story. This won't be a nice story. If Kalex, SuperCat and general dysfunction bother you, this is not the story for you. Kara POV, with slight pans to others every now and then.

x

It's out of her system now.

Night has returned to day and she’s ‘normal’ again. But the memories and thoughts continue to worm inside her, burrowing deeper.

Her body is white noise. Static.

Television stations run 24-hour news cycles about the menace that is Supergirl. Her image is splashed on magazine covers, vibrant, smiling, alive as police cars burn beneath.

It was torture, watching and listening to the things she did while caged inside her body, helpless to stop it.

But it was fun, too. Flying without flying, saying the things she’s choked on for years. Her body felt like living electricity, currents of excitement running through her. For a moment, long enough to ruin everything she worked for: she was alive.

X

She circles the brown leather belt around her waist, cocks her head, studies it against the pale pink of the skirt she’s wearing. She’s not sure. It’s hard to be sure. The red kryptonite made her sure.

The tv runs in the background, still playing the video of her attacking NCPD. The door to her apartment opens and Alex enters with a bag, a broken arm, an air of apology about her. _But I’m the one who should apologize._ She knows it in an abstract way.

“Hey. Glad I caught you.” She gives her outfit the once over and then moves to the couch. Kara follows after her. “I know you lost a lot of your wardrobe but I wanted to give you a few things until you get back to stocking up.”

She ‘lost’ her wardrobe. Kara takes the clothes. They smell like her. Alex fidgets. Does she think she’ll hurt her? If not for J'onn she would have killed her. Why didn’t love wake her up? Why wasn’t Alex’s voice enough? That always works in the movies but it didn’t in real life. It makes her want to throw up. She smiles. “That’s so sweet. Thank you.”

“I thought they might look nice on you. Not that you don’t look nice in everything.” It’s not like her to ramble. She shifts, the cast stripping her usual cool confidence from her. “You should wear whatever you want. Whatever makes you happy.”

Kara knows Alex is thinking of what she said. The way she tore into her, choosing each word to inflict maximum damage. They said they would talk about it. Maybe it's best to forget. Alex scratches at her hand beneath the cast.

“I’ll try to do them justice.” Kara wraps her arms around her, feels, against her breast, the spike of Alex’s heart. Is she afraid of her? Excited? She could hold her tighter. Alex might like that. Until she didn’t.

X

_For your own safety stay away from Supergirl._

Cat Grant’s gaze lingers on her, even after she finishes reciting the laundry list of things she wants her to do. If she knew who she was, would she be terrified?

“I see that you’re back to dressing like a toddler. What a surprise,” she says offhandedly. Kara looks down at her outfit, touches a hand to the belt buckle and manages a tight smile for her. “Go on then, get out of here. There are Supergirl stories that need to be run and without Siobhan I’ll need you on double duty so I can stay on top of the news cycle.”

Cat warned National City to keep away from her. Kara watched the news report. Magma burned through her. “I thought you’d give Supergirl another chance.”

“There’s another chance and there’s negligent reporting. If we lose our credibility, the little support we can throw behind her becomes meaningless.” Kara clutches her notepad. “But why am I sitting here letting you waste both of our times?” She waves her away, returning her attention to the computer.

Kara remains. Cat turned National City against Supergirl but she still respects her, which is more than she can say for Kara Danvers. But why would Miss Grant respect her? A bespectacled and awkward doormat is only suitable for being stomped on. The only time Cat has respected her is when the red kryptonite pulsed through her. The Kara who was confident, who took initiative, who talked back. It’s painful how quickly she’s forgotten about that woman.

“Why are you still here?” Cat snaps, plucking her glasses off to glare at her.

Kara looks to the balcony. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to close the doors.” Cat stares. “What if Supergirl returns? She did throw you off the building.” It was so easy. She was like paper. Less than.

Her eye twitches. “Is Supergirl unable to operate doors? You’re boring me. _Go._ ”

Kara sees the air burning in her lungs, touches her glasses, and goes.

X

She doesn’t miss how Alex’s eyes crawl over her when she whips her shirt off, changing into her pajamas. It’s startling and unexpected. Maybe there’s something on her face. Alex quickly looks away and Kara finds another thin, plain white shirt to pull over her head. She joins her on the couch. Kara looks at her arm. The bones remain broken. Humans are so fragile. The knowledge makes her feel like a monster. “Does it hurt?”

“No.” She’s lying.

“If Maxwell Lord hadn’t helped you…”

“It’s that bastard’s fault this even happened. I could kill him for this. I would have, if anything happened to you. If we couldn’t… fix it.” Alex shifts on the couch and Kara does too, scooting closer, looking to the darkness outside. “How are you handling all of this? I’ve seen the press.” Alex is serious. She’s always been serious. Tightly laced. Not so much as she.

“Cat thinks I’ll win back National City.”

“Getting the endorsement of the woman you chucked off a balcony is something,” she smiles anxiously. “Um. I know we said we’d talk about it. But things have been hard.” She looks at her. Kara stares back, closer, she suspects, than Alex anticipated. “We don’t have to rush it.”

“I said ugly things.”

Alex lips her lips, brow furrowing. “It wasn’t easy to hear. But… it would be a lie to say that… I don’t have thoughts… about you—about me… that make me uncomfortable. I don’t know how to talk about them. There are some things that should never be said. I just want things to go back to how they were before all of this.” Before she killed her aunt. Before the black mercy. Before she knew how she really felt about her. “I want us to move past this hurt.”

“If you don’t want to talk we don’t have to talk. We can just sit here.” Alex nods. The couch creaks as Kara moves, touching a hand to Alex’s hair, brushing it behind her ear. Alex draws a breath, her heart pumping quickly, warmth flooding her. Kara takes note of it all.

X

They took J’onn. They took Alex.

For weeks she’s worked to regain the public’s trust. Nothing she does seems to make a difference. It’s like they’ve finally seen her for the alien she is and they hate her. Her efforts, her past acts, all rendered meaningless.

What was it all for? _You saved lives._ But they’ve forgotten. She tears through the sky. She finds Harper's truck. They’re inside.

She crashes onto the highway, staring the freight truck down. It slams into her, tires screeching, boots skidding inches before the truck groans to a stop, metal curled around her. She leaps onto the hood, fist slamming through the windshield to grab the driver. She tosses him out, grabs the soldier in the passenger's seat, wrapping an arm around his neck until he goes to sleep. She drops him back inside, goes round to the back, tearing the door open.

Harper rears on her, incredulous, with his stupid haircut and his big man attitude. She takes his leg and pulls, eyes glowing red. He screams but it cuts off as he falls, slamming his head on the floor. Kara ignores him and looks to Alex and J’onn. They’re safe. The anger and fear she felt drips away. She holds a hand out for Alex to take, helping her down from the truck. J’onn kneels beside Harper. He looks at her. “He’s alive,” he says with relief.

“That’s lucky,” Kara says.

Alex briefs her on the news. Jeremiah is alive. J'onn and Alex are fugitives.

They move off to the side while J’onn cuffs Harper and the other soldiers. “Are you all right?” Kara asks. “Did they hurt you?” Alex shakes her head no. Kara just shakes.

“You demolished that truck.”

“They took you.”

“You should be careful,” Alex tells her gently. “I appreciate the rescue.” She palms Kara’s neck. “I have to go. You know that, right? The DEO and Cadmus will be after me.”

Kara shakes her head. “No. _No._ Just stay. Please stay. I’ll watch over you.” It’s easier to say that now that Alex’s arm has mended. More believable. It makes her feel more herself. “Don’t leave me alone.”

“You're not alone. You have Cat and James. Winn.” No. No. “I’m always with you.”

“National City hates me.”

“But I love you. And I know you can do this.”

“But when will you come back?” She shivers. The night is too dark. Alex has no answers. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”

Alex presses her forehead to hers. Kara feels flush. She wants her to stay. Her mouth inches forward, close to Alex's trembling lips. “You’ll be fine,” Alex says. She turns and goes.

X

The sun is long gone and night has firmly settled. She’s fought Alex, Myriad, Non, and triumphed. They throw a small party in celebration but it seems to go for too long before everyone calls it a night. One by one they filter out, with James the last to go. Alex stays. It isn’t long before they decide to turn in, Kara working to identify the foreign sensation taking hold of her.

Her mind feels foggy. Her body aches. Maybe she’s come dangerously close to blowing out her powers again. Maybe that’s all it is. She was supposed to die in space. But then what would Alex have done with her life?

Lightning strikes and Kara squeezes her eyes shut. It’s deafening. Everything is. To survive she’s had to practically mute existence. Lightning, thunder, trains, the shrieking birds. Sound. In the beginning it was a drill plunging into her ears. Alex always calmed her. She opens her eyes.

Alex lies opposite of her, pale in the lightning storm. She wakes, eyes adjusting to the dark and settling on her. Kara doesn’t look away.

“Bad dream?” Alex rubs her arm absently.

The touch is a spark, stoking embers. “I can't control them anymore.”

“I didn’t know you could. That's… handy.”

“James kissed me tonight.”

“Oh.”

Kara has nothing more to say on it. She searches, scrounges within herself but nothing comes. It was… flat. Sweet. Young, somehow.

“Did you like it?” Alex asks.

“I’m not sure.”

“You don’t sound very excited.”

Maybe there’s something wrong with her. She thinks of the club, pressed close to his hard body, but that was the only thing that was hard. His head, his abs, his resistance. Nothing else. He didn’t bristle for her. He saw some piece of her that was real and it sickened him. _This isn’t you._ As if he would know. As if he gets to decide.

She looks at Alex, can smell her shower gel, her perfume, the dry towels she uses in the laundry. Her hand shifts beneath the blanket. Alex withdraws. Kara doesn’t take her eyes off her. “Did I hurt you when I said we're not really sisters?”

Alex’s lips thin slightly. “It’s true, in a way.”

In every way. “Your life would be easier.”

“I'm used to this life.” A beat. “I'm not good with change. I just want us to be close again.”

Kara touches a hand to her knee.

Alex feels it. The heat spreads over her like a drink. Guilt makes her go rigid. She looks at Kara, eyes like glaciers in the dark, and tells herself that what she has obsessed over for weeks was an illusion, something criminal in her mind. Kara's lips did not whisper along hers on that highway. It was a strand of her hair. It was night. It wasn't the mouth she had to quickly shift to not claim.

She flexes her fingers. Kara’s hand rises. “What are you doing?” She can’t tear herself away; she’s paralyzed.

“You want us to be close.”

Alex has no words. It’s a trick. She searches for the truth, but sees only Kara’s face, beautiful and unassuming.

“I can see your heartbeat. I can hear it.”

Her mouth is dry.

“We don’t have to be sisters tonight.”

Her hand is on the inside of her upper thigh. Alex grabs her wrist tightly. Kara makes no expression. She doesn’t flinch. “What is the matter with you?” her eyes sting. But she isn’t sure whether it’s for herself or Kara.

Kara’s face is blank and then she pulls her hand back so quickly Alex fingers numb. Kara licks her lips. Worry lines her face. “I’m sorry.” A shake of her head. “I wasn’t thinking.” She turns on her side, back to her. “I’m so embarrassed.”

Alex stares at her shoulders, nearly wishing she’d said nothing, her body clenched tight imagining what her touch might have been. A stray touch would be more than enough to make her come undone. She’s afraid to move. Is something wrong with Kara? _There's something wrong with **you.**_

She wishes it weren’t true.

X

Kara spends the next days in a fugue, unsure of what happened, how it happened, if she willed it to happen.

Not that anything did. That’s what she tells herself. She tells herself she hasn’t crossed a line, not one that Alex didn’t want crossed.

_Alex doesn't want you. Not like that._

**_Yes. She does_**.

The thoughts whip around her. They're… wrong. Disturbed. So she won't think about it. Except she can’t stop thinking about it. How would it make Alex feel? How would it make _her_ feel?

Alex has always controlled every aspect of her life. Her dress, her hair. She’s directed her on how to interact with the opposite sex, how to handle missions. She’s resented her for excelling. For being extraordinary. For making her common. _That_ —

Kara rubs her forehead.

But when it comes to her, she’s completely powerless. She’s under her thrall. How could she not be? She’s beautiful. She’s a hero. On Earth, she’s a god.

Kara brings her hands to her hair. _Stop, stop, stop._

Thunder grumbles in the distance. She looks up to cloudy skies. A raindrop falls and then another. She remains rooted to the bench, hopes the cold, stabbing rain will make the thoughts dull. She should move but worries about taking action.

X

“And so you’ve saved the world again,” Cat says.

It’s night.

Supergirl stays on the balcony. Yes. She saved the world again. She didn’t save Kelly from leaping to her death but Cat doesn’t seem to have noticed. “You helped.”

“I did, didn’t I?”

Supergirl smiles. Cat Grant stands, moves closer but stays out of arms reach. As if that could save her. She’s faster than a speeding bullet. She’s as fast, if not faster than the Flash. What does a woman like Cat Grant tell herself to stay safe? She so often forgets she’s mortal. “Are you going to write up a pretty editorial on me?”

Cat pretends to consider it. “I’ll tell a story but I won’t reward you for doing your job. It is, after all, your responsibility to the people of National City.”

Kara’s smile dims. “Don’t you bear some of the responsibility? You created me. That is what you said, isn’t it?” Cat tenses. Where has the haughtiness she wielded on that pathetic talk show gone? “It’s just a question.”

“Nothing is ever just a question and that certainly wasn't.”

“So we can’t talk about that night or what you said? I’m not even allowed to be a person.”

“National City and I are willing to put that night behind us. You should too, Supergirl. Tell me those days of police shoot outs are behind you. Death by cop doesn’t work where you’re concerned. Innocent people get hurt.”

“But it wasn't just that night. You turned the city against me. Crime went up. Nobody trusted me.” The terror people felt when she went to their aid remains burned into her.

“You threw me off this building and blew up more cars than a Michael Bay movie; of course nobody trusted you. My responsibility is to National City, not you and your precious alien feelings.”

Kara takes a step into the room and then another. Cat stands rigid, lifting her chin, eyeing her.

“I know what you’re doing and it won’t work.”

Kara rouses, looks at her, blinks. “What I’m doing?”

Cat hesitates. “You get one, Supergirl. Not two.” She goes to the desk, searching for her pills. Her hands shake.

She knows when she’s being tested. But when she turns Supergirl is gone and she’s alone.

X

The sun glares off the ocean water, bouncing back at her.

Kara takes a deep breath and smiles, absorbing the light, feeling normal again in the blistering heat. Alex sits beside her in a two-piece, sand peppering her feet and legs, beads of sweat and sunscreen making her skin glisten.

“I can’t remember the last time we went to the beach,” Alex says.

Kara can’t either but remembers their time in Midvale vividly. That was a sad time though it didn’t initially feel that way. She keeps the glasses perched on her nose and Alex looks at her, eyes hidden behind the large sunglasses. “We should come here more often. It’s beautiful.”

“You’re not even running after seagulls.” Kara smiles. She fidgets, her fingers skimming along the blanket. “I can’t believe you’re not sweating. I’m melting.” She fans herself and Kara extends a palm, pretending to blow a kiss but sending a cool breeze her way. Alex laughs. “You’re my own personal AC.”

“I’m glad we came here today. I know you weren’t sure.”

Alex shifts, crossing one leg over the other. Kara looks at her legs, the cut of her beach gear, the scar on her arm. “What are sisters for? It’s good to get out of National City once in a while.”

“Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier for everybody if I’d never come out as…” she falters, looking around. “I attract trouble.”

“I’d still be in my line of work. You’re saving lives, Kara.”

A brief nod.

“I wanted to talk to you, away from National City,” Alex says. Kara tenses, looks to the sun for strength. “I just… I don’t understand. What you did, what you said. It’s not like you.” Kara narrows her eyes, her vision going red and black until she turns away from the sun. The beach is distorted by scattered bubbles of light. “I get that you might be angry about things. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

She nods, smiling brightly. “That night feels like a long time ago.” Not two weeks have passed. “I think I was just tired.” Kara looks at Alex, wanting to pull her sunglasses away. She keeps her hands to herself.

Alex looks at her. Eventually she leans back on her elbows, staring out at the water.

Kara wants to peek at her eyes, her heart, but stays close, keeping her distance.

 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here's another fluffy little chapter for you guys.

* * *

 

She makes excuses until he’s the villain that ends things between them.

Kara considers what was, what could have been, how she might die knowing and experiencing so little. Is she wasting this opportunity? Is she asking for too much?

She sits in her office, beneath fluorescent lighting. Cat Grant’s figure cuts an outline in the doorway. She bears an air of exasperated disappointment. They talk about her potential. Kara floats through the conversation until Cat slams the rolled up stack of papers on her desk. Kara jumps, hands to the buttons of her shirt collar.

“Things are over with Jimmy Olsen **_why?_** Did you not spend all of last year boring me with your vanilla CBS romance? Are longing looks as far as you were able to get without my constant vigilance? I have an empire to run. Five year olds manage to date, Keira.”

The lights overhead flicker.

“I just didn’t want to.”

Cat sighs. “Didn’t feel like forcing yourself into it for the sake of not being alone? Not that that isn’t the default in your case. That’s remarkably brazen of you.” She slaps a palm down onto the desk and meets her eyes. “I like it.”

She sits a little straighter. “No offense, Miss Grant, but I didn’t take your feelings into consideration.” She certainly didn’t take James’.

Cat tsks. “You’ve surprised me. That’s a first.” She sits on the corner of the desk, looking down at her. It’s the position she prefers, looking down over her minions. “I’ve already asked HR to tear up relationship disclosure forms I drafted up for you two should you happen to get carried away in the office. I should have known you’re not one to mix work with pleasure. Or pleasure with anything. Outside of your obscene love of food.” Kara touches her glasses lightly, biting back a smile. “I take it back. You haven’t surprised me. You remain predictable and dull.”

Kara rises to her feet, her face mere inches from her. “Is that why you’re here sitting on my desk in the very private office you’ve given me? Are you hoping I’ll mix business with pleasure?” The mean-spirited glee that fuels her drains slowly from her face. Kara feels goosebumps rising up her arms. She’ll never get tired of seeing that.

“What. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me?”

Kara keeps her eyes on hers. Cat Grant is attractive enough, for a megalomaniacal egotistical monster. She’s fearless, when she’s not being thrown off buildings, and aggressive to get what she wants. She’s selfish, she says what she thinks, feelings of those she hurls insults at be damned. How many people has Cat Grant pushed to suicide? She is an inspiration. “What’s the matter, Miss Grant? Too old to handle the surprise?”

Cat pales with anger.

“I’d worry for your h—” _heart. But you don’t have one._ She brings a hand to her mouth, feels her lips move against her palm. The lights flicker again, buzzing and snapping, like moths caught in a zapper. She doesn’t like these lights. She doesn’t like the absence of sunlight. The last time she went outside was hours ago. “Can we get windows in here?” her voice shakes. She feels a fugue settling over her like cobwebs. “This light isn’t natural.”

“Tell me why I should care,” she says through gritted teeth. “You haven’t earned, windows, Keira. You haven’t even earned this office.”

But the office is everything to her. It’s not just an office. It’s an acknowledgement of how far she’s come in Cat’s esteem. She suffered and endured her torment for years. She deserves this and more. The words she slung are sticky like cotton candy, the emotion of them clinging to her as the words themselves seem to evaporate. She’s weightless. “I’m sorry about what I said. I was just trying to surprise you. To impress you.” Cat appraises her coolly, with the dignity she might bestow upon a worm. Kara feels sick. The second she got an inch of respect from her, she messed up and it was ripped it away. “I am so, so, sorry. I would never—um, presume—or I mean. You’re you. And I’m me. Just Keira. Kara.” She winces. “Please forgive me.”

“Begging?” She tsks. “Just when I thought you couldn’t get more pathetic. Give up dreams of windows, Keira. Be grateful you get to keep this office. You’ve really disappointed me.”

She whisks away, skinny frame sashaying out of the room. The words land better than any kryptonite. Kara stands, pale and sweaty. She could snap her in half. She could do it as Kara Danvers. In a cardigan. With some awful outfit Alex picked out for her. Then she’d stop looking at her as if she were some maggot. Surprise, terror. They’re just different names for the unexpected.

x

They walk, eating ice cream cones. Kara sees a few passerbys give them gentle looks. Both bespectacled. Adorkable. Maybe they think they’re dating. _Sorry, strangers, I only make a moves on my sister._ Another intrusive thought. They’re coming more frequently. She tells herself it’s normal. Before the red kryptonite it wasn’t uncommon to have the rare cruel thought. The guilt and shame would make her hasten to let go of it. She redoubled all efforts of kindness. She knew they were wrong. She knew they were coming from some dark place. Lately it’s harder to let them go. Maybe something’s wrong with her. This can’t be who she is. She refuses to be a person with these thoughts. She will not be the person who spits on Cat Grant’s kindness.

“This is the quietest I’ve seen you since I got here,” Clark tells her.

It’s been nice spending time with him, with someone closer to her level, despite how spectacularly Myriad took him. “Maybe I’m a quiet person.”

He smiles, in his bashful charming way. It’s no wonder Cat can’t keep her panties dry around him. “I know I haven’t been around as often as I should be.” An understatement. He could have helped raised her. He could have made her feel normal. Instead he dumped her with the Danvers family. She’s tried to understand but can’t help but think that he didn’t want to be bothered. “But I’m really proud of what you’ve done here.”

She smiles, happy at the compliment, despite simultaneously being irritated by it. She doesn’t need his seal of approval. “It’s been nice having family in town.”

“You and Alex seem close as anything.”

Not as close as she’d like. She wonders if Alex has a crush on him. Why else go on about how amazing he smells? “You don’t know the half of it. We usually do a tv and food night. You should stop by.”

“Sure. As long as I’m not stepping on any toes.”

She smiles. “You didn’t mind stepping on Lena Luthor’s toes.” She wonders how he can seem determined as Clark, effectual, and not a bumbling idiot. He pushed Lena Luthor to respect him. She thinks of Lena, plugging bullets into John Corben. Saving Alex. Not shaken up about it, despite multiple assassination attempts. Impressive.

“Maybe I was a little harder on her than I should have been, but Lex and I don't have the best history.”

“But she's not Lex.”

“No. No. But she is a Luthor. I may have misjudged her but…” he gives a shake of his head. “Let's just say it'll be a long time before I fully trust anyone in that family.”

Lex must have done a number on him. “I like her.” She's trying to build her own reputation. How many stupid articles did she read about whether Supergirl was really needed when the Man of Steel was around. He gets to be the Man of Steel despite that she’s the one who changed his diapers. She’s just _Supergirl._ It’s condescending. It’s Cat Grant trying to live vicariously through her, trying desperately to cling to her youth. She touches her glasses, pinches herself. “Um. So Cat is like in love with you?”

He laughs. “She’s something.”

“Have you ever…?”

“Have I ever….? With Cat? No! I don’t know if I could survive the experience. She seems very… forceful.”

She's a pussycat if you just handle her the right way. _You're Kryptonian, you imbecile._ “But you must have… at least thought about it. She’s so obvious.” He looks at her quizzically. “I won't tell Lois.” He's blushing. “Don't you ever have bad thoughts?”

“The normal ones like anyone else.”

“What do you do?”

“Ignore them or try to figure out why I’m feeling that way and move on. I don’t like to dwell on the negative, Kara. That’s not good for people like us.”

She frowns, having another lick of ice cream, seeing a pair of teens point and nod knowingly. Perverted brats. She takes a hold of Clark's hand, squeezes tightly. Anyone else’s hand would look like a deflated balloon. He gives her a gentle squeeze back. _Something's wrong with me. I think something's wrong with me._

She needs to tell him but can’t say a word.

X

_The Earth has been stolen from us. How long until these gods decide to rule instead of serve? We are the antidote to their poison._

Touch hurts. Walking feels as strenuous as dragging herself through quicksand. She’s sweaty. Clark and Alex drag her to the med bay and prop her onto a medical table. Clark moves off moodily, and Kara holds to the table for strength. She may have melted his hand off but Metallo still thrashed them, thanks to the kryptonite, created specifically to kill people like her and Clark.

She squeezes the bed but it doesn’t bend. She’s as useless as a human right now. Alex comes over with a tray of medical equipment. “How come you’re not checking Clark out,” she spits though it sounds weak, “I’ve already told you I feel fine.”

“I don’t care about Clark, I care about you.”

Alex takes her temperature, other vitals, all while Kara feels the disgusting slick sweat slide down her neck. How do humans live like this? Alex presses a stethoscope to her chest. Kara shifts enough to get Alex to lift her eyes, meet her own. “Maybe you only want to play doctor with one of us.” That hard spike in her heart. She sees it only for an instant before it fades. She feels weak. Alex pulls the stethoscope away, holds tightly to it wordlessly. _Tell her it was a joke. Tell her you’re sorry about inviting Clark to sister’s night._ She wants to. Instead she keeps her eyes on her, manages a small smile.

“I’m trying to help you, Kara.” She pulls away, twitchy.

Rao is she in need of relief. When was the last time Alex even went on a date? Maybe she was saving herself for her. Maybe she was saving the best for last. “Yes. I know. I’m sorry. I just hate how you treat me like a baby sometimes.” Alex’s gaze softens. “We’re not kids anymore, Alex. Neither one of us. Let’s finish what we started.” Alex is dubious again. Kara forces the next words, hearing her mind scream them, but they barely come out as whispers. “I don’t feel…right. Please. I just need you to tell me if there’s something wrong.”

Alex is anxious. “Yes, of course.” She drags over a few other devices, tries to get more readings. “Kara, I need you to be honest with me.” She looks around cautiously and then back at her. “Is it the red kryptonite? Do you think… do you think maybe we didn’t get all of it?”

Relief. Yes. _Yes. **Yes.**_ She feels her head shake. She fidgets, trying to nod in agreement but only gives another shake of her head. “No.” _No._ “No. I think it’s just the green kryptonite.” Alex sighs shakily but Kara isn’t sure whether it’s from relief or not. Some part of her feels like she’s banging on glass, shrieking and unable to say anything. She needs the light. She needs the sun. _Help me, Alex._

Another half hour passes. Kara settles into herself, lying down on the medical bed. “Well,” Alex says, “I ran all the tests. _All_ of them. Even for red kryptonite,” she says a little more quietly. “Just in case. You’re all clear.” That can’t be right. There must be a mistake. She goes cold. “In a few hours you should be all set.” She pulls a stool beside the bed and looks down at her. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” her fingers stroke over her hair.

Kara focuses on the sensation of her touch. What if she can’t shake off whatever’s wrong with her? Maybe Cadmus is necessary. Or maybe she needs to get to them first.

X

Metallo and his knock off version have been taken down.

Kara propels herself into the sky. Clark is returning to Metropolis and Alex bragging about killing her aunt is just a thing she said to intimidate Cadmus. Kara’s eyes burn. The tears sizzle off her face as she stares at the sun. The anger she felt before has returned in full. She tells herself it doesn’t matter. Alex was saved. Alex didn’t mean it. Alex is still hurting from Jeremiah’s disappearance. And whoever that woman is, she thinks Alex has been corrupted into feeling sympathy for aliens, for demons like her.

She closes her eyes, knows she can’t go any closer. But she needs to stay as long as she can. Draw the light. Fuel herself. She cannot rush headlong into it. It would not empower her, it would kill her. But if these thoughts keep flaring within, maybe that would be best. Clark is more human than kryptonian. He wouldn’t be able to stop her. He doesn’t know what real anger is.

She falls back to Earth.

She’s feeling calmer. More even. Alex said there’s nothing wrong with her. She must have missed something. She must have because if she hasn’t—there’s no way to explain everything she’s feeling. The rage. The other things she has no real name for.

She returns to her apartment and turns on the tv. She blasts the volume and sits, letting every sound cut into her. The tv. The neighbors arguing downstairs. The whine of police sirens, the fire alarm some miles away. She listens, debating whether to go in. The alarm stops. No. It’s nothing.

Anyway, she’s tired of the world. She forces all the sounds away, submerging them until they’re irrelevant.

Alex walks in. Kara glances at her before looking away. “You shouldn’t be here.”

Alex hesitates. No, she shouldn’t be here. The red kryptonite is out of her system. It’s always been out of her system. But how does she explain Kara’s behavior? The things she says? The way she looks at her. “I thought you could use a little company since Clark left.”

“Thank you,” she says. Seemingly through gritted teeth. Alex goes closer. The red light of the setting sun paints her. Kara looks at her and sighs shakily. Her lips move silently and then not at all. Tense seconds pass. “Did I tell you? I’m going to be a reporter.” A beat. “I didn’t tell you.”

“I didn’t know that was something you were interested in. But that’s great.” Alex keeps her distance. “This isn’t because of Clark, is it?”

“No. I’m interested in the truth. In the things people want to hide.” She smiles, looks down at her hands. “I’m hard to keep things from.”

Alex bites her tongue. “Okay.” She says cautiously. “I support you completely.” She sees Kara’s lips move, again silently. The way her fingers touch to her glasses as if to rip them away. The way she struggles as if there’s something she wants to say. Do. “You just got whammied by kryptonite again. Are you sure you’re okay?”

A nod. “I heard what that woman said to you. That Cadmus woman.” She doesn’t look at her. “About how the DEO has tricked you into thinking demons are angels.”

Alex shakes her head. “That woman is _crazy._ Oh my gosh, Kara. Did you think I bought into that crap?” She kneels beside her, taking her hands. “I don’t. Not ever. You’re…” She shakes her head again, the words catching in her throat, the resentment bottling inside. To think that Kara would still leave her here, leave her for Clark, for Metropolis, after everything she gave up for her, after everything she would still give up for her. To think that despite that she would forgive her anything.

Kara rubs her fingers absently, the touch tightening before they loosen again. She bows down, their noses nearly touching. Alex remembers when they were kids. They watched Lady & the Tramp. Kara was obsessed. She thought it was the funniest thing in the world when their noses touched while eating spaghetti. And now Alex can’t look away. She doesn’t know what Kara’s been doing. She hasn’t come to terms with how it makes her feel. She only knows that the other night when Kara touched her—she’s never felt anything like that with any of the men she’s been with and it makes her sick. “I know what you said about my aunt,” Kara tells her. “I _heard_ you.”

Alex freezes. She can’t pull back. Kara won’t let her. “Kara—”

“You didn’t sound sorry. You were proud to take down someone as powerful as Astra. With a sword made of kryptonite. You think it makes you strong. She **_loved_** me and you took her. You pretended to regret it but I don’t think you regret it at all. You think it makes you capable.”

She lets go and Alex falls back. Alex stares helplessly at her. “When I said those things…” her tongue is stuck to the roof of her mouth. “I was scared. They’d just shot McGill. I had two guns on me. I was trying to intimidate them. I didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have said it. Not then. Not ever.” Kara looks back at her and Alex feels as if she’s plunging into a sinkhole. “It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. There is… nothing else I regret more than what I did that night. If I could take it back, I would. If I could do something differently—”

Kara’s lip twitches. She brings her hands to her mouth and squeezes her eyes shut.

Alex rises carefully to her feet. “Do you want me to go?” A long silence. Eventually Kara shakes her head. “I understand if you need some time.”

“I want you to stay,” her voice is small and fragmented. Alex joins her on the couch. Kara’s eyes trail over her and Alex feels her heart pounding frantically. She isn’t sure whether she’s excited, scared, guilty. Astra keeps coming up. It’ll always be a chasm between them. She’s terrified that somewhere deep down, maybe not as buried these days, Kara hates her. Kara will never forgive her.

Kara moves, her knees touching against hers. Alex licks her lips, feeling her throat go dry. Kara brings her hands to the sides of her face, touch gentle. Once again, she’s paralyzed. Kara’s thumbs graze over her eyebrows. Over her eyes, resting there, applying gentle pressure. The beat of her heart stutters. For a millisecond, one millisecond too long—Alex is afraid of her. She tries to say her name but can’t.

Kara’s breath is warm against her neck, against her lips. Her thumbs still rest on her eyelids. Seconds pass. Wet heat slides against her lower lip. Alex makes a sound she doesn’t recognize. A gasp, maybe. Shock. Desire. She thinks she’s imagined it but it comes again. Her lips part long enough for her mouth to be taken. For fire to fill her. She can smell her vanilla perfume. Her lips are sweeter than anything she’s ever tasted. She can’t do this. She can’t do this.

But Kara presses against her, presses until she surrenders. Until her lips tremble and she kisses her back. Until her hand is on the back of Kara’s neck, bringing her closer. Until she’s kissing her the way she’s never kissed another.

Kara lets go and Alex blinks. She can see again. Kara pushed into the couch, a look of puzzlement and vulnerability on her face. Alex lets go. _Oh my God. Oh my God._ She’s dizzy. She pulls back, in a haze, seeing Kara lick her lower lip, look at her breathlessly. What has she done? How could she have—she can’t breathe. Her heart hurts.

“It’s okay,” Kara says. But she can’t believe her because the room is spinning. She stands and almost falls over. “Alex.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” her words are a frenzied whisper. “That was wrong—”

“No, it wasn’t.” Kara takes her hand, gets to her feet, wraps her arms around her. She squeezes them together, her grip tight as a boa constrictor. Alex tries to get free. It’s impossible. Sensation tears through her, dizzying and blinding, unexpected. She tries to pull away, buries her fingers into Kara’s arm but Kara doesn’t let go until Alex is heaving breath onto her shoulder, guilt and shame hammering in tandem with her heart. Kara stays close, fingers delved in her hair. “You are the best sister I could have asked for.”


End file.
